Often, a retiree will have to make a conscious effort to establish new friendships. While it can be relatively easy to form new acquaintances, it’s significantly harder to establish close friendships. This is true at any time during a person’s life. It’s especially true during retirement.
Prior to retirement, a person has many opportunities to form new friendships. For one, the work environment comes complete with the opportunity to meet people – people with whom an employed person will, very often, have interests in common. And having interests in common is a natural basis for friendship.
Raising children also offers parents the opportunity to meet people who might become their friends. Some two decades ago, I met many people and formed a number of friendships among the parents of my boys’ schoolmates and teammates.
Those who’ve lived in the same town, for many years, while raising their family, have had a decade or two to form friendships among their neighbors.
While all of these friendship forming opportunities are available to one who is not yet retired, for the retiree, such opportunities become more limited. Gone is the work environment and, with it, the opportunity to form friendships among co-workers. Grown are the kids and thus gone is the opportunity to socialize with the parents of kids’ classmates. And for those retirees who move to a new (retirement) location, distant are those formerly close friends. Yes, they’ll likely remain friends, but they can’t easily, or often, meet for lunch. Or for a game of bridge. Or for an informal visit.
For these reasons, the retiree must work harder at forming new friendships. Especially for those retirees who choose to relocate, they’ll have to “start from scratch.”
Interestingly, forming a friendship happens in two steps. First a prospective friend becomes an acquaintance. Second, if all goes well, that new acquaintance will later become a friend. Forming an acquaintanceship is the easier step. For it requires little more than “bumping into” someone. But going to the next step – moving from acquaintanceship to friendship, that’s the trick. That takes more time. And it’s harder to accomplish.
How busy a retired person is will affect the time he or she has to form and deepen relationships. A retired person who is always “on the go,” will find it more difficult. Those busy with travel, with visiting children and grandchildren, and those painting or writing a book, will, as a result, be spending less time developing friendships.
Some activities are more conducive to meeting people and thus developing personal relationships in retirement. Those activities involve spending time with people sharing a common interest. Such activities are found within volunteer organizations, educational programs, camera clubs, hiking groups, and the like.
Other activities, typically those which require a retiree to spend time on his or her own, are less likely to foster new acquaintanceships and friendships. Gardening, writing and reading are among such “isolated” activities.
Quite naturally, extroverts will gravitate toward those activities in which people gather together. Thus, not surprisingly, extroverts will find it easier (and more comfortable) to meet people and, thus, form new relationships. Introverts, gravitating toward those activities in which they are alone, will generally meet fewer people. So in order to meet people, and thus form new relationships, introverts will have to force themselves to “get out there.” The upside for introverts is that, rather than needing to “surround themselves with people,” they can be quite happy with just a very few significant friendships.
Questions to consider:
- Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
- Do you gravitate toward activities involving groups of people?
- If you’re an introvert, do you consciously force yourself to participate in activities in which you can meet other people?
- Do you have a good friend or two? And a number of “friendly acquaintances”?
- What is your plan for meeting new people?
- Are there any other important questions you might think of? What are they?
I’ve never had many close friends but I do find that now I have my “yoga friends,” my “writing friends,” etc. I socialize with them while we are together but don’t usually take it to the next step of meeting them away from those areas.
Friendships can get complicated as we get older. I find many women like to gossip or have marital problems that I don’t want to be involved in. One of my neighbors and I go to lunch every month or so and she tells me absolutely everything that is going on in our neighborhood – more than I really want to know. In turn, I have to be careful what I tell her, as she will spread it around in turn.
Thanks to email and places like Facebook, I’ve managed to keep in touch with several close friends and we have wonderful discussions through email. They are probably closer to me than people I meet face to face now.
Hi, Joan…
You make a great point about e-mail enabling us to keep in touch with long-time friends. And, in many cases, those friends are “closer” to us that those who live geographically closer. Bill
I think it is important to look at retirement as a beginning – like going to college or taking a job in a new city. Don’t expect to have new relationships appear – make them happen. As Joan says there are so many opportunities to keep in touch through social media these days so you can keep or reestablish old relationships but even with the old fashioned face to face relationships you have to be aggressive.
You make a good point, Ralph, about having to be aggressive. I think that any friendship requires work. Kind of like a marriage, one has to nurthre a friendship. Bill
Marriage – you are so right. And that was such a hard lesson for me to learn.
Ralph, I think you’re right that you need to be aggressive if you want friendships in retirement. Have a plan and be open to new things. I think you have to become a “joiner.” Join clubs or hobby groups around your interests.
I joined the Y a couple of years ago and they have a very active senior group. There are senior exercise classes, they have coffee together afterward and go on special trips at special prices, like to Ranger’s baseball games.
When I finally retire and have some free time, I’d like to join a knitting group.
You have to make time for friendships too. Be prepared to spend time going out to lunch or to coffee. My dad, who is 85, has a coffee group he meets with every day. They call themselves “the old croaks.” He’s known these guys for many, many years but new people do join the group and are welcome.
Hi, Joan…
I wish I had a gang of “old croaks.” Bill
Joan,
My Dad used to meet up at a coffee shop each morning. There was usually a bunch of people that he would see regularly that way.
retirement is a great time to get to know more people. Thanks for this post. I really enjoyed reading it.
Thanks,
Yep, you’re right… retirement is a great time to get to know more people. And I find that retired folks simply have more time to “visit.” For they’re not so much hurrying to move on to their next appointment. Bill
Before my husband retired, he invited some guys to start meeting for coffee. They’ve been getting together on Friday mornings for 10 years now.
Someone has to start it..
Yes, you’re right, Karlita, someone needs to take the initiative. Bill
My dad was one of the founding members of his coffee group and they’ve been meeting for about 30 years now. They’ve been through a lot together over the years.
Joan… Wow, 30 years! No doubt they’ve been through a lot together. Bill
Good topic!
I’ve been finding the friendship issue tricky. We are snowbirds — living half the year north — the other half south. This gives me added issues as far as friendships are concerned. I wrote about this in my blog:
http://sweetmeow.wordpress.com/2010/05/22/a-snowbirds-life/
I found one friend online in an interest website (flickr) who also shares my love of photography, which has been wonderful. we go on photo shoots together – then out for lunch or coffee. I’m also hoping the camera club helps more, which we have both joined.
I’m also in the church choir — but that hasn’t helped friendships. Even though we are sharing an interest together, there is no good time to socialize there. The only time to chat and get to know one another is while one arrives and before rehearsal starts, during the 3 minute break, and the quick time you have while leaving.
People seem so busy – - it feels so hard to intrude on that, but it also may be my shyness about this – and fear of rejection.
That’s great you found a friend on-line… and one who lives close enough that you can have a physical (rather than a virtual) friendship.
Yep, people seem so busy… even in retirement. Some friends of ours are also snowbirds. Half their time here in Central Oregon and half their time in Phoenix. Kind of breaks up their social life. Bill